"There is a time for everything. A time to mourn. A time to dance." A Beatles song, yes, but these words have been around for thousands of years. Yesterday was my birthday. I can remember the days when birthdays were filled with excitement. It was a day to be celebrated. Cupcakes in the classroom. Your choice of dinner. Show-Biz (aka, Chuck-e-Cheese). Presents. And who could forget the birthday parties? My favorite party was when we were able to stay at a local hotel that had an indoor pool. I always wanted a pool party but a March birthday just would not allow it. Indoor pools were luxurious when you were 10. And I felt luxurious. Dancing around the pool to NKOTB. Doing hand stands until we couldn't breathe. Little Ceaser's square pizzas. Sleeping in our swimsuits. I was the star and my friends loved my birthday because they could swim in March! This year was a little different. I was not the star. Luxury was not even an option. Waking up at 5:30am to take care of a crying baby boy who could care less it was my birthday was my fate. My sweet girl wrapped up a "gift" and asked if my party was inside or outside. I told her "neither, mommy's don't always get parties." She looked at me like that was the saddest news she had heard all year. Maybe it was. I wish I could say that I came to a grand realization that this was God's will for my life and it is wonderful. But. I didn't. I cried. And cried. I mourned my loss until I couldn't see.

My eyes have dried up and I look like a perfectly happy and content person sitting here in Panera. But my heart still aches. It aches for what I have lost. But it also aches for what will be. Not only in eternity but also for April 12th and July 29th. Those are the days that I celebrate the gain along with the loss. Without them I could still have my indoor pool party every March 15th- regardless of the weather. But without them I wouldn't want to get in the pool.

Ps- as I was uploading the photos, I overheard two middle-aged women talking and they said, "we are too busy celebrating our kids that we forget to celebrate ourselves!" can i get an "amen"!!!!!

Here a few photos that make me think about being a child and feeling luxurious....