[i needed to give a preface to this blog post. this feels very vulnerable and scary for me to share but i am finding that writing lately is therapy for me. so i am putting myself out there in this weird online world to be judged or to be loved. if you don't enjoy vulnerability and realness then maybe just stop reading now. otherwise, read on and hopefully you will find some sort of companionship in your own story as well.]
The last 10 years Halloween has mainly been about making sure the kids had the right costumes and then raiding their candy after they go to bed. I will usually put on some cat ears and call it a night. But this year some friends and I decided to dress up and go to an actual adult party. After changing my mind about 4 times, I finally settled on being a blackbird. My kind friends at Fruition Salon wanted to help me with my hair and makeup so we spent the afternoon gluing on feather lashes and creating my bird-like hair. Because, truth is, if I was left to my own devices then I would have looked like a bird nest instead of a bird. So I was very grateful for their help.
I want to say that I chose to be a blackbird for some deep, meaningful reason but honestly it was because I absolutely HATE birds. I mean I like to watch them but if they get near me, I FREAK out. So I couldn't think of anything more frightening to be than a black bird. And Halloween is all about being scary, right? So I head out feeling great looking forward to a night out with some of my closest friends.
I felt so happy that night, sitting around the fire with some truly kind, generous, thoughtful people. All was right in my world. And then it hit like a ton of bricks while sitting in a room with a handful of dear friends that are loving me so well these days. My happiness turned to weeping. I have been finding lately that when I find myself truly happy then a deep sense of sadness also rushes through me as well. So I sat there and wept. And I was loved. And held. Then one grabbed a guitar and started strumming "blackbird." I didn't really understand the significance at the time because I was just in the midst of releasing so much feeling. And the releasing was not just sadness and pain but also my happiness. It was a cleansing, holy moment as the party thundered on downstairs. And both of those were with me- the thundering happiness and the gentle sadness.
The next morning I woke up with "blackbird" singing to me in the back of my mind. And then it hit me. My costume did mean something so much more than I realized. And the words of that song could not say it any better...
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
And maybe next time when I see a black bird flying towards me, I won't be so afraid. For it brought about my release and showed me the strength in my own brokenness.
Happy Halloween to all of you friends.
